LARP Grief: Losing a Character

So in March this year I went to Skullduggery LARP in Kent, UK, to play my goblin character. I'd been playing her for a couple of years now (or more if you count the Covid period where we weren't allowed to have games) and she'd actually gone through some pretty interesting character development, starting off as an unpleasant, spiky little sneak-thief and transforming into a loyal and fierce ally to her faction (though still happy to steal or shiv for them if required), through a surprise plot device and good old-fashioned character roleplay.

As the title of this post suggests, she died. It was a good death, all things considered - she died in the final battle of the game (so no awkward character changes while utilising the same costume pieces or loitering in monster crew for half a game), she died fighting off enemies to protect her allies while they were carrying out a world-plot-important ritual, and she died in the frontline, not running. So well done Sivni! The plot refs even gave her a cool little funeral moment in the ritual circle (now that circle forever has the spirit of a very grumpy and sour-mouthed goblin in it, nothing will go wrong there). It was epic, lots of people cried including me, and my character went the way of many LARP characters - into the realm of memory.

After the game, I came home and was surprised to find I was having some conflicted feelings. Yes, Sivni died well, and I don't regret her actions in that final battle. It is exactly what she would have done and I wouldn't change a thing. But I found myself feeling sad and angry about the things she didn't get to do. We had plans - she was going to wield a magical weapon to take down an enemy of her faction in a complicated but really cool plot to end a war! Now she doesn't get to have that part in the story - it will be handed over to someone else. And for a while, I was really mad about that. Not at anyone in particular, mind you - no blame at all on other players, crew or the refs - just mad.

Thinking about it now, after planning and preparing for my new character, I realise I went through a sort of grief process. Crazy to do that for a fictional character, right? Sivni didn't even exist in any books or movies or tv shows - she's just a character I made up. But I think back to all my other LARP characters, and those who died rather than me retiring them I had a similar process for. I was sad, I was mad about it for a while ... and then I moved on.

Mostly. One or two I was particularly fond of still prick my emotions from time to time.

But it is a grieving process. And I think I understand why. It's because when we make these characters, we put a little part of ourselves into them. Sometimes it's a lot - I played a character in a Vampire: the Masquerade game who was everything I wanted to be plus a bit more, and another character at the same LARP as Sivni who was very much a depiction of my witchy, hippy side - and sometimes less. Sivni was not a nice character when I made her, but I was angry at a lot of things at that time. The state of the UK (Brexit), the world (Trump, wars, terrorism, climate change) and so on. Things I can't do a damn thing about on a personal level. So I made an angry, hurting character who had survived a tragedy and come out swinging. I'm still angry about those things, but it's not overwhelming me any more. And maybe that's down to Sivni. Did she help me work those things out? Maybe - throw a virtual stone online and you'll find an article about how therapeutic LARP is. But regardless of that, she had some of me in her. And she was doing better - in fact, she was just starting to flourish when she died.

I'm still sad for what Sivni won't get to accomplish. But that's the nature of the game. And it's the nature of grief to get sad, get mad, and move on. Maybe I'll write her into one of my stories someday. Or maybe not - maybe she's just for me, and those who interacted with her. Is the part of me I put into her gone? No, of course not. But when you put something of yourself into a thing, no matter what it is, when it ends, I think it's natural to grieve a little. I'd say it's like losing a child, but I'm not a parent and I imagine that would be a massive exaggeration. But it'd definitely the loss of something. Something that mattered to me.

I'll miss my angry little goblin rogue. I'll miss her snarky comments about her faction mates who she really deeply loved. I'll miss her gruff voice and her penchant for swigging rum at any time of day. And I'll miss the hero she never got to become.

However, one thing I will definitely not miss is all the green facepaint!